hugeskeleton

Pioneers, Oh Pioneers Levi's "Go Forth" Campaign

2009-11-30T17:45:00.000-08:00

There's definitely a lack of creative or moving advertising on the air, but Levi's new "Go Forth" commercial (directed by Ryan McGinley) is different and captivating. A strong-voiced recording of Walt Whitman's 'Pioneers O Pioneers' laid over empowering scenes of youthful wilderness stuck out from the usually mundane streak of the norm.

Levi's, a very historical brand, emerged from the whirlwind of pioneers heading West during the goldrush and manifest destiny, and continued onward to be popularly worn by figures such as James Dean and Jack Kerouac. It's a fitting commercial, although there will likely be cries of anguish about the commercialization of art by literature snobs.

Here is the full length commercial Go Forth "Pioneers Oh Pioneers" by Levi's

Here is the full length poem for those interested:
Pioneers! O Pioneers!

COME my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order, get your weapons ready,
Have you your pistols? have you your sharp-edged axes?
Pioneers! O pioneers!

For we cannot tarry here,
We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger,
We the youthful sinewy races, all the rest on us depend,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you youths, Western youths,
So impatient, full of action, full of manly pride and friendship,
Plain I see you Western youths, see you tramping with the foremost,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Have the elder races halted?
Do they droop and end their lesson, wearied over there beyond the
seas?
We take up the task eternal, and the burden and the lesson,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the past we leave behind,
We debouch upon a newer mightier world, varied world,
Fresh and strong the world we seize, world of labor and the march,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We detachments steady throwing,
Down the edges, through the passes, up the mountains steep,
Conquering, holding, daring, venturing as we go the unknown ways,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We primeval forests felling,
We the rivers stemming, vexing we and piercing deep the mines
within,
We the surface broad surveying, we the virgin soil upheaving,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Colorado men are we,
From the peaks gigantic, from the great sierras and the high
plateaus,
From the mine and from the gully, from the hunting trail we come,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

From Nebraska, from Arkansas,
Central inland race are we, from Missouri, with the continental
blood intervein'd,
All the hands of comrades clasping, all the Southern, all the
Northern,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O resistless restless race!
O beloved race in all! O my breast aches with tender love for all!
O I mourn and yet exult, I am rapt with love for all,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Raise the mighty mother mistress,
Waving high the delicate mistress, over all the starry mistress,
(bend your heads all,)
Raise the fang'd and warlike mistress, stern, impassive, weapon'd
mistress,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

See my children, resolute children,
By those swarms upon our rear we must never yield or falter,
Ages back in ghostly millions frowning there behind us urging,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

On and on the compact ranks,
With accessions ever waiting, with the places of the dead quickly
fill'd,
Through the battle, through defeat, moving yet and never stopping,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O to die advancing on!
Are there some of us to droop and die? has the hour come?
Then upon the march we fittest die, soon and sure the gap is fill'd.
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the pulses of the world,
Falling in they beat for us, with the Western movement beat,
Holding single or together, steady moving to the front, all for us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Life's involv'd and varied pageants,
All the forms and shows, all the workmen at their work,
All the seamen and the landsmen, all the masters with their slaves,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the hapless silent lovers,
All the prisoners in the prisons, all the righteous and the wicked,
All the joyous, all the sorrowing, all the living, all the dying,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

I too with my soul and body,
We, a curious trio, picking, wandering on our way,
Through these shores amid the shadows, with the apparitions
pressing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Lo, the darting bowling orb!
Lo, the brother orbs around, all the clustering suns and planets,
All the dazzling days, all the mystic nights with dreams,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

These are of us, they are with us,
All for primal needed work, while the followers there in embryo wait
behind,
We to-day's procession heading, we the route for travel clearing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you daughters of the West!
O you young and elder daughters! O you mothers and you wives!
Never must you be divided, in our ranks you move united,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Minstrels latent on the prairies!
(Shrouded bards of other lands, you may rest, you have done your
work,)
Soon I hear you coming warbling, soon you rise and tramp amid us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Not for delectations sweet,
Not the cushion and the slipper, not the peaceful and the studious,
Not the riches safe and palling, not for us the tame enjoyment,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Do the feasters gluttonous feast?
Do the corpulent sleepers sleep? have they lock'd and bolted doors?
Still be ours the diet hard, and the blanket on the ground,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Has the night descended?
Was the road of late so toilsome? did we stop discouraged nodding
on our way?
Yet a passing hour I yield you in your tracks to pause oblivious,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Till with sound of trumpet,
Far, far off the daybreak call-hark! how loud and clear I hear it
wind,
Swift! to the head of the army!-swift! spring to your places,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

jeff dunham sucks

2009-10-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

I've heard his name dropped for years now, and finally he caught up to me. He came on comedy central and I've been eavesdropping for about 10 minutes.

He's performing at the Pabst theater in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. At the beginning of the performance, he remarked "I knew I'd come back here to do my special" Why? One can only guess.

After hearing him go on a 5 minute long diatribe using grossly antiquated black slang phrases (through his dummies), I got the picture immediately. Slang from the hood gets absorbed into white culture, first on the cutting edge among younger people, then to the more "hip" TV shows and movies, and finally to middle-aged white suburbanites - but only after years have passed. When the phrase "bling bling" came into vogue among white kids back in 1999, one wouldn't even fathom that just now in 2009, a decade later, you hear it finally filtered through the various camps of society to a brazenly out of touch marketing team that put together a car commercial.

The point I'm trying to make is he picked his audience very carefully. A group of aging Midwestern suburbanite hicks who aren't particularly adept to relevant humor.

Well done Jeff Dunham. Keep on trucking - pending the rest of this special you might creep into the ballpark of Brian Regan suckiness.

Who is the best cat in the united states?

2009-09-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

Champion...

It's time for cat massage

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

2009-08-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

I just heard Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros for the first time a few days ago. Based on their warm, indie-folk sounding song "Home", they are similar in sound to a more folked out american version of Peter Bjorn and John, and similar in appearance to a more stripped down organic American version of Arcade Fire (Edward Sharpe and the MZ boast 11+ members on stage). Either way I have a hunch that this band (based out of LA) is going to blow up soon. They've already been featured as song of the day by NPR and are getting good press from all over the place.

Here's a free streaming link to "Home" on Hypem
http://hypem.com/track/885431/Edward%20Sharpe%20The%20Magnetic%20Zeros%20-%20Home

Here's Home played live at the troubador in LA on youtube. If you can get past the poor quality of the camera's mic they sound nearly flawless live:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWKXAMPdpXQ

Michael Jackson Dies

2009-06-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson, Born August 29th 1958, passed away today, June 25th 2009, in Los Angeles after suffering from cardiac arrest and a subsequent coma. His death is both shocking and entirely unforeseen.

With best selling records Off The Wall, Thriller, Bad, Dangerous, and HIStory, Michael Jackson is the best-selling recording artist of all time. His hit single and video for thriller changed music videos into an art form and much higher stakes promotional tool. He was the first black artist that accomplished mass cross-over appeal in America. He has won an unparalleled 13 grammies, has had 13 number one singles, and has sold over 750 million albums worldwide.

For more information:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Jackson

iran election 2009 - shit is blowing up

2009-06-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

In Iran's 2009 presidential election, incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was projected by analysts to have severe trouble overcoming the surge of support surrounding rival (former PM) Moussavi. After a seemingly unrealistic end result of 62% for Ahmadinejad, the country has been engulfed in unrest and even violent protest - both things outlawed under Iranian law. Nearly 60% of Iran's population is youthful and overwhelmingly supports Moussavi. Additionally, the claim that rural areas staunchly support Ahmadinejad is thought to be a lie by many Iranians. The end result is as feeling of staggering injustice and confusion, and the populace has taken to the streets in defiance of the government.

Click photos to enlarge and expand, some may be cut off.

Mount Everest Deaths

2009-06-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

Mount Everest, also refered to as "Sagarmatha" in Nepalese, is an extremely deadly climb. Out of 2700 individuals that have climbed mount everest, there have been 210 deaths. Due to the immense difficulty of transporting even a few pounds of extra weight, bringing down bodies is nearly impossible. Even rescue attempts are a trial - In many cases more than a dozen climbers and sherpas are required to assist just one person down. It's said that past a certain point, corpses are littered everywhere. They can easily be seen from popularly established climbing trails.

Although Everest isn't an especially technical climb, the oftentimes unpredictable weather and low-oxygen "death zone" pose serious risks. Above 8000 meters (a little over 26,000 feet), oxygen levels are too low to support life. Without supplementary oxygen, body tissues begin to break down to keep the body alive. The death zone is the most perilous part of the journey, especially on the descent when oxygen levels are low.

More information about mount everest:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Everest
http://www.mounteverest.net/

jedi mind control toy

2009-06-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

This is a toy that channels your concentration to drive an electrical signal to levitate a ball.

"200 years from now we'll look back and say 'this was the beginning'"

It's only a matter of time til vehicles planes and instruments are controlled by the mind. It's so crazy how the "future" is upon us already

Action Park, NJ

2009-05-25T19:24:00.001-07:00

Action park is a water and amusement park in New Jersey that's been closed for (at this point) many years. Although it's no longer around, it still generates buzz because of its infamous past - some locals referred to it as "death park" because of the hugely out of proportion amount of injuries and deaths for an amusement park.

From wikipedia:
Action Park was a waterpark/motor themed park open from 1978 to 1996 in Vernon Township, New Jersey, on the property of the former Vernon Valley / Great Gorge ski area, today Mountain Creek. It featured three separate attraction areas: an alpine slide; Motoworld, where patrons could operate motorized vehicles on land and water; and Waterworld, with many water-based attractions such as waterslides. The latter was one of the first American waterparks.[1]

Its popularity went hand in hand with a reputation for poorly-designed, unsafe rides; inattentive, underaged, underpaid and sometimes under-the-influence employees[2]; equally intoxicated and underprepared visitors — and the poor safety record that followed from this perfect storm of circumstances. At least six people are known to have died as a result of mishaps on rides at the park, and it was nicknamed "Traction Park",[3] "Accident Park",[4] "Class Action Park", "Danger Park" and "Death Park" by doctors at nearby hospitals due to the number of severely injured parkgoers they treated. While little action was taken by state regulators despite a history of repeat violations, in its later years personal-injury lawsuits forced the closure of more and more rides and finally the park itself. The new owner of the ski area has reopened the water attractions as Mountain Creek Waterpark, with a vastly increased emphasis on ride safety.

More pictures, stories, and information:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Action_Park
http://www.abandonedbutnotforgotten.com/action_park.htm
http://www.weirdnj.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=39&Itemid=28

good commercials

2009-05-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

Although most commercials are the bane of our attention spans, occasionally one slips through the cracks with either remarkable music, humor, imagery, or story. Here three relatively recent ones:

Book: Lost in the Meritocracy: The Undereducation of an Overachiever (by walter kirn)

2009-05-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

Walter Kirn:

Working his way up the ladder of standardized tests, extracurricular activities, and class rankings, Kirn launched himself eastward from his rural Minnesota hometown to the ivy-covered campus of Princeton University. There he found himself not in a temple of higher learning so much as an arena for gamesmanship, snobbery, social climbing, ass-kissing, and recreational drug use, where the point of literature classes was to mirror the instructor's critical theories and actual reading of the books under consideration was optional. Just on the other side of the “bell curve's leading edge” loomed a complete psychic collapse.
LOST IN THE MERITOCRACY reckons up the costs of a system where the point is simply to keep accumulating points and never to look back—or within. It's a remarkable book that suggests the first step toward intellectual fulfillment is getting off the treadmill that is the American meritocracy. Every American who has spent years of his or her life there will experience many shocks of recognition while reading Walter Kirn’s sharp, rueful, and often funny book—and likely a sense of liberation at its end.

a 2-page scholastic essay on the physical and mental processes associated with needing to take a huge shit in public

2009-02-11T15:05:00.001-08:00

Nation, Today I Shit.

The act of defecation is among the most primal, yet finest simple pleasures a man can experience. I say man, because as you know, women don’t poop.

However, as you’re about to be reminded, sometimes it can all go wrong.

It all begins in a similar fashion. You’re out somewhere well away from your subconsciously established turd-emission comfort zone, when all of a sudden, It happens.

Yes, It, with a capitalized “I”, a proper noun. This event commands respect. You all know what I mean. You feel like the planets are oddly aligned. Your body equilibrium shifts. Your stomach tightens.

You’re standing there in a daze trying to sort yourself out – Unannounced to you, there is a raging whirlwind of fecal fury hurtling towards your colon in a stormsurge of unsurpassed force and wetness. You have five minutes to get to a toilet. Barring that, a quiet corner in which to curl up and get buried in a shallow grave of your own personal butt soil.

The next step is a cruel one – simply known as The Realization.

You all know the feeling. Your hands drop to your sides. Your eyes widen and begin to slightly tear up. Your jaw hangs open, completely uncontrolled. You are a rigid being, completely unaware of his surroundings. The world ceases to exist. All senses are turned inward. Within one’s skull, the brain is completely dedicated to your cause in purely self-preservative instinct. Suddenly you accrue nearly savant-like mental powers. Every available toilet you’ve ever encountered within a reachable radius comes miraculously back into your memory banks. Your eyes may even roll into your head as routes and obstacles are calculated into what may be the most immaculate act of human efficiency possible. A light nearly begins glowing around you. It’s time

As you snap back into consciousness, you realize that time is precious. The consequences of the situation are verified by your heightened state of awareness, and immediately your adrenal gland contracts, flushing every drop of bodily adrenaline into your blood stream. Your pupils constrict, your muscles surge with energy – with purpose. Your mind functions with absolute clarity. However, shit-brown grains of sand sift steadily through an hourglass of fecal fate, almost mocking the gravitational progression of the demon within you. It’s now or never.

Whatever social situation you’re in, no matter how intricate or deeply woven, it completely gets pushed aside with a series of utterances that would make Freud blush. On a date? You just found out your mother got cancer. Business meeting? Previously unknown to your coworkers, you’re diabetic and need to get to your insulin immediately. Your subconscious observes the nuances of surrounding people’s personalities, stature, and body language to fabricate the perfect verbal escape message. You’re free. Go.

As soon as you clear your associate’s line of sight, your body’s motion towards your goal is now an unstoppable force.

This phase is known as The Passage.

You move with the steadiness of a boulder rolling down a mountain, with the force of an avalanche, the swiftness of a hawk. You could tear a door off its hinges if need be. Every facet of your body is making this deliverance possible. Specific pheromones coupled with your body language scream, “It’s happening”. Some passers-by move out of your way subconsciously. Some may realize exactly what is unfolding before their eyes, thanking the heavens for not sharing your fate. You part the crowd of a busy sidewalk like moses parted the red sea. Traffic lights somehow pattern up to provide an uninterrupted passage. The forces of the universe conspire with you. As you approach your destination, a small glimmer of hope shines within you. Maybe you’ll make it. Maybe you’ll reach salvation.

Salvation, of course, is the most treacherous part of this hellish journey.

As you park your car out front, or hurtle leaping and bounding towards your doorway from afar, your goal is in direct sight. This is very dangerous – the hope provided by glimpsing a visual of your terminus is a double-edged sword. At the same time, your digestive tract breathes a sigh of relief. The possibility of violently sharting here are at their highest. As your trembling, sweaty hands fumble with your keys to gain entry to your house, your ass cheeks clench in a last stand that would make the deceased of the Alamo proud. Never before has the distance from your front door to the toilet been so far. Bursting forth like a charging rhino, you haphazardly hurtle through your living space, shedding bags, clothing and underwear as you go.

Up to the very last second, your brain is racing to maintain control. The docking of your asscheeks against porcelain needs to be a precise as a nighttime landing on an aircraft carrier, for surely your ass has already erupted. If you can plant upon the rim without splatterpainting it with shit, You Have Arrived, and everything is right again. You can start feeling guilty about all those promises to god you were making along the journey, as a jetstream of shit erupts from your violently fluttering asshole. The stench would otherwise be overwhelming, but right now, every pleasure receptor in your body is firing at maximum. This feeling of absolute rectal bliss is rarely equaled by worldly pleasures, but it has come at a price. It’s likely you will spend hours or days undoing the various forms of damage along your path, whether it be personal relationships, or physical destruction. But you’re safe. Until next time.

gender pay inequality: injustice, or coporate science?

2009-01-31T03:06:00.000-08:00

The other day I heard two pseudo-feminists in a cafe running their mouths about what they feel like is the biggest atrocity of the past century: The fact that women get paid less for doing the exact same job as a man. Little do these self serving rug munchers realize how incredibly wrong they are

In the private sector corporate world, nearly every process is calculated and crunched down to be as cost effective as possible. Why? So the boss hog at the top can squeeze out as much money as possible. If he's going to add to his set of gold inlaid malaysian orphanbone golf clubs every quarter without financial remorse, he better have his company exude efficiency. The amount people are paid is a result of what they're worth to the company. Of course there are exceptions - Little oversight about who actually gets things done, crappy bosses and managers, scummy credit-stealing coworkers, but generally speaking, women don't equal up. This is fairly universal - If this was an isolated incident, women would simply all flock to a different company. Why don't they add up you may ask?

Simply put, women are too busy rocking out to the beat of MC unproductivity. That's not a hiphop reference, I'm talking about Menstrual Cycle unproductivity. During that roughly 5-day-monthly funfest, women physiologically cannot put forth the same amount of focus and energy. Not just calling in sick, or excusing themselves for "girl problems", the productivity of nearby coworkers is also a problem. As a woman unnecessarily bitches about random things and lashes out, those nearby are sucked into the tornado of bullshit. If you're having trouble envisioning that, consider this crudely drawn graphical representation of the day by day menstrual timebomb

Click for fullsize:

Familiar huh? The same concept applies to why women don't work well in positions of authority. How can we expect a woman CEO to play it cool with her corporation during a merger if she's ragging out on the other merger CEO, then inevitably getting some chief executive dick thrown into her meat socket? What about women power politicians. Be thankful we had some XY leadership after World War II, otherwise we'd be speaking Russian. There's no doubt a female president at the time would've enjoyed a bristly mustache ride on Stalin's jagged Soviet face prior to letting him turn her presidential pussy into a flappy set of Iron Curtains. I could go on, but it's nothing but trouble. Moving back to the main issue at hand:

Women get paid roughly 15-20% less than men of the same position. What's a 30 day month divided by 3 to 6 days? A shocking coincidence, I'll let you crunch the numbers.

Bonus takeaway: Planning on traveling anytime soon?

Here are the graphs of pay disparity for several foreign countries
If you are planning on visiting any country from below the US all the way down to Yemen, be advised. If you're trying to turn out some foreign ladyfriend at a hostel and she's ragging, It'd be wise to reference this upon learning her nationality (feel free to laminate it and put it in your wallet). As the pay gap widens, one can statistically assume women in that country's period enters heavy flow-territory. So unless you're trying to fry up a floppy shed-uterus steak marinated in cunt blood at 3A.M, steer clear.

the anderson cooper interview

2009-01-27T05:41:00.000-08:00

ANDERSON COOPER is an American journalist, author, and television personality. Currently focusing on his Emmy award-winning show, Anderson Cooper 360°, this world renown news enigma broadcasts out of New York City's CNN studio. We recently had the opportunity to sit down and find out a little more about the man behind the coverage

Hugeskeleton: Thank you for joining us
Anderson Cooper: My pleasure
HS: Let's dive right in - you stand apart from any other news anchor we've seen in recent memory. What is your philosophy as a journalist?
AC: I think the notion of traditional anchor is fading away, the all-knowing, all-seeing person who speaks from on high. I don't think the audience really buys that anymore. As a viewer, I know I don't buy it. I think you have to be yourself, and you have to be real and you have to admit what you don't know, and talk about what you do know, and talk about what you don't know as long as you say you don't know it. I tend to relate more to people on television who are just themselves, for good or for bad, than I do to someone who I believe is putting on some sort of persona. The anchorman from The Simpsons is a reasonable facsimile of some anchors who have that problem.
HS: [laughs] That's an interesting way to put it. Now, you've had quite an accomplished career, working on World News Now under the ABC umbrella, CNN Newsnight, as well as CNN's American Morning, co hosting with Paula Zahn. Paula is a very endearing lady - What was it like working with her?
AC: Paula is a great girl, with tremendous character. It was an absolute treat being able to sit alongside her at the news desk during our broadcasts. You know, it's funny. We'd always get into some minor shenanigans - We had this game. Before the broadcast started every night, among other things we'd play footsie under the desk right in front of the camera, and really try to sexually tease each other. And believe me, it'd come right down to the wire, which is where the rush was. While they were counting down the, 'Five, Four, Three, Two', we'd see who could get the "last word" in, so to speak. The last night we ever did it was a really close call - The night prior she, through my trousers, managed to yank my taint hair right before we came on, and I had a really goofy facial expression because of it. Boy was I cross. So the next night I reached over to give her a truly egregious titty twister. The camera came on one second earlier than anticipated, and I was caught retracting my arm back to my side from across her breasts. Fearing the audience could've possibly tuned in, I hit my look. You know, my gaze. I feel like when I hit the AC gaze it's like the film Men in Black, where I can erase people's short term memory. I hope it worked.
HS: Wow, that's really a revelation! [laughs]. Given the professionalism of the American Morning broadcast I couldn't even fathom that
AC: Don't get me started on what we'd do with the expired cream in the break room
HS: Oh goodness.. I don't know, lets move on
HS: You didn't dive right into a successful broadcast tenure as many imagine - Word has it your first opportunity was simply answering phones over at ABC, which purportedly you failed at? Difficult to imagine - what was that like?
AC: In hindsight, journalism is a really tough field to get into. There is a lot of competition and not many open doorways, so when you find a door ajar you really have to kick it open. Unfortunately the ABC situation was a metaphorical dead end, although I did later go on to work for them. My desk and phone bank was actually located way downstairs in the ABC complex, down in the mail room. It was very chaotic down there. I've never really discussed it, but most people referred to it as not the mail room, but the "male" room
HS: Can you explain that?
It was a popular work haven for the late 80's New York gays to find a quick place of employment, through word of mouth. I left prematurely - I'd often work nights and after hours, which was the time when one of the employees with the key would let in several dozen men and they'd have a very. . . niche sort of party. That's really where the emphasis on "male room" came from, I didn't come up with the term myself. I couldn't handle it, it was an absolute mess every time. Lets just say we'd never have any cases where we lacked envelope adhesive, there was always plenty to go around. In an optimistic light, it really secured our documents. The night I walked out I remember clearly - It began when I found a pair of bedazzled assless leather chaps in my filing cabinet. The straw that broke the camel's back came when I picked up the phone and as I set it down there was an ooze connecting my hand to it still, like a sagging tightrope, or a string of hot cheese connecting the two ends of a freshly halved mozzarella stick. I was mortified.
HS: Understandably so! That all sounds very hectic. You must've felt like you really bottomed out work wise, no pun intended of course.
AC: It really didn't get more degrading. Whenever we'd go out for a coffee break they'd always cheers and say,"Bottoms up" while slyly winking at me. I'm not naive. I had two of these guys' desks on either side of me. The innuendo was relentless, and oftentimes not so subtle. Tate, on my right, would lean over and ask me to call Donald, 3 feet to my left, on phone number "69, 69, extension: buttfuck". I really don't miss that place.
HS: It's easy to tell!
HS: Switching gears here - As an international journalist you surely work under pressure - Describe to me the most stressful or perhaps even dangerous situation you can recall
AC: That's an excellent question - I can recall an incident that was both stressful and dangerous.
HS: Perfect!
AC: Surely you remember the documentary Planet in Peril we filmed for CNN in 2007. I teamed up with Wolf Blitzer and Jeff Corwin in association with National Geographic. We traveled to pacific southeast Asia to discuss the state of the earth and several human factors that have been detrimental.
HS: Of course.
AC: Well this all happened in Burma [Note: Also commonly referred to as 'Myanmar']. After several days of shooting interviews and footage on-location, Wolf, Jeff and I became relatively well-acquainted with our surroundings. One night after we got the shots, we went to a local bar near our hotel, and well.. We ordered some shots. Quite a few - In hindsight, a few too many. To make a long story short, well, we ended up back at the hotel with a few Burmese prostitutes. I have extremely little recollection of how it happened, in fact I'm fairly certain this was all Wolf Blitzer - in the journalism world it's pretty well known he has an insatiable sexual appetite.
HS: Well, this is all new to us
AC: This is where things get twisted. I'm slowly coming-to in the morning, and my vision is pretty blurry from the heavy drinking. I'm in a total daze. I roll over to see what appears to be Wolf awakening his girl from what we can call a night of. . . Passionate correspondence, with a bristly salt-n-pepper beard rub. The kind only Wolf Blitzer can deliver. Well, as his girl wakes up, I suppose it literally rubbed her the wrong way. She lets out a shriek and slaps Wolf across the face. I think he may have still been drunk, because he clocked her with the most impressive haymaker I've seen in years, a real mean left straight.
HS: I'm speechless
AC: And here's where it gets dangerous: By this point the other two girls are awake, and extremely alarmed. As one of them leaps over and starts pummeling Wolf, the other is digging through her purse. Lord knows what she could have in there - a knife, a gun, anything. Under normal circumstances I don't know what I would've done. . . But at this point the adrenaline was pumping and I grabbed the closest blunt object I could find, a potted bamboo plant
HS: A potted plant..
AC: Absolutely. It's my understanding that at this point Wolf had somehow been temporarily incapacitated by these two girls. From this point forward it was all a blur, but after what seemed like an eternity, the only thing left of my Bamboo plant and its ceramic housing were shards all over the room - the bed, the floor, everywhere. And more blood than you can imagine. It really looked like a B-grade horror movie in there. Wolf came to, and gave me shit for not doing anything sooner. I asked him, "Have you ever done this before, Wolf? Do you know how hard it is to kill three Burmese hookers with a potted plant? Because frankly if you already have that perspective, I'm worried, because this is a pretty damn unique situation we've got on our hands here"
HS: I don't even know what to say. Where was Jeff Corwin during all this?
AC: That's the great part! Jeff Corwin slept through the entire thing! That really kills me every time I recount this story. You'd really think the guy that spends his days and nights wrestling saltwater crocodiles and venomous snakes would be the first one up during a battle to the death with a gang of ornery Burmese street vixens. But he was out, ice cold. It was a really messy situation. We didn't get caught - we got lucky for several reasons. As I've been told, the night before, I was introducing myself to everyone as "AC the rock", or "Big 360". Nobody could really hear Wolf past his beard and level of intoxication. And Jeff, he was too wasted to even talk. We managed to wake Jeff up, and boy you should've seen the look on his face as he sat up only to wipe shreds of whore-meat off his once sleeping body. After some hungover deliberation, we cleaned ourselves up and made it to a nearby slum. We paid an equivalent of 4 US dollars to have a gang of vagrants burn the hotel to the ground! All before checkout at noon. Now that's quick thinking and cooperation.
HS: Maybe you should market the whole situation to Leadership & Teamwork conference speakers
AC: That's a slippery slope. You'll have corporate managers fighting for promotions based on how many prostitutes they've murdered! [laughs]
HS: [laughs] Yeah I'm sure the anti-prostitute-murder-lobby would be all over that. All over that like Wolf Blitzer on a drunk college girl
AC: I'm sure most universities already have a preemptive restraining order on him
HS: [laughs] OK we're getting a little off track here. Poor Wolf. Lets move on. Enough about your work - Here's a question nobody can answer, And we'd like the Anderson Cooper take on it. Why are manhole covers round, and not square?
AC: [pauses to think] Do you believe in extra-terrestrial life forms?
HS: Well, I'm not su-
AC: That's a rhetorical question, don't answer it. Consider this - Check AC out here - Lets say, hypothetically, a fleet of Aliens came to earth. I don't know, maybe from the planet Garflon. It doesn't matter, just to label them. What if these larger-than-life alien menaces had an unquenchable sexual desire to penetrate drainage systems? Do you really think it'd be wise to have shaped our manholes and sewers as squares? No, I don't - And what are your last words going to be as a horde of Garflonites comes leaping and bounding towards your home in a fit of sexually-frustrated rage, destroying everything in its path? That'd make the issues on Planet in Peril seem pretty tame. I bet you'd feel like a real boner.
HS: I guess I've never thought of it that way
AC: Hey, sometimes ignorance is bliss, but you can be thankful drainage and sanitation workers of years past had some serious foresight.
HS: Right. This interview has been much more colorful than I imagined - Lets end this on a positive note. You're a very well traveled man, having reported from nearly every continent. Where do you see yourself settling down, if you ever do?
AC: Well with advances in DNA forensics, any country that doesn't have an extradition treaty with Burma! [laughs]. Imagine that. The last thing I'd need is for that whole thing to boil over and have that whore Nancy Grace running her fat, cunt of a mouth on her show. How humiliating.
HS: Mr. Cooper, this has been truly eye-opening. Thank you very much for joining us
AC: My pleasure

Anderson Cooper 360° is simulcast live on both CNN and CNN world news at 10:00 EST

ed hardy sucks

2009-01-24T13:01:00.001-08:00

Ed hardy sucks. It doesn't just suck, it sucks a piping hot, sore-covered aids dick. The kind layed out to cool like an infectious pie on the windowsill of an aids bakery. Just like grandma used to make.

This epidemic of bullshit began in Los Angeles, crept over to Miami, and is slowly beginning to sink its gaudy eye-popping claws into urban centers across America. This instant faux pas came from none other than Christian Audiger, the clothing mastermind behind revered and iconic fashion houses such as Von Dutch (remember those cool trucker hats?)

Lets examine the physical embodiment of cool that is Ed Hardy, interchangeably referred to as "Don Ed hardy" (if that isn't already an indication of how cuntacious this all is). A statement from the company:

"Using his unrivaled understanding of design, Christian has created a lifestyle brand that is quickly on its way to becoming a milestone on the fashion timeline. This unique understanding is what makes the brand so compelling to retailers and consumers alike."

What is a "lifestyle brand", aside from a bullshit buzzword used to label something that has no substance or credibility, and as such cannot stand on its own? In his "unrivaled understanding of design", Christian Audiger plopped a few noisy multi-colored tattoos onto tshirts, hiked up the price of a simple tshirt to 110 dollars to create the illusion of taste and exclusivity, and crossed his fingers. It worked. This trend spread from one dumbass flatbiller socal bro to another, then to miami muscleboy douchebags, and beyond.

A friend of mine put it best:

"Ed hardy looks like it was created for trailer trash, but due to its pricetag it's tailored to tasteless 30k-millionaires instead"

The solution is fairly simple. Anyone that wears ed hardy should be corralled into a wood chipper whose exit chute feeds into the bottom of a fast flowing river denying anyone the opportunity to find the remains for a proper funeral.

That might have been mean but it's hard to be held accountable for what one writes while under the influence of a genuine Ed Hardy Celebrity Energy Drink. I'm not kidding, this actually exists:

Now excuse me while I get a good night's sleep under my 600 dollar Ed Hardy bedspread so I can bro out with my bros tomorrow, in a seedy socal, jersey, or miami beach club near you.